It is a nebulous statement to just say that I'm happy. Happiness is such a vague notion and can mean so many things. There is no common scale to say I'm 93% happy or 350 degrees happy. So when I tell people that I'm happy, it really doesn't mean much. But I've realized that for the last 10 years or so of my life, I've been free of emotional pain. Maybe that is more concrete.
Emotional pain is worse than physical pain because it colors every conscious moment. It also exacerbates physical pain and I think it sometimes even causes physical pain. I've had two bouts with debilitating back pain in my life - the first while I was still feeling emotional pain, the second when I was free of it. The first made me miserable for several years and seemed incurable. I had cortisone shots and physical therapy and was taking 1600mg of ibuprofen a day. I eventually got better, but it wasn't until my second incident that I realized that it was fear I was feeling more than pain.
The second incident left me unable to even support my own weight standing up. The pain was incredible. But because I had beat my emotional pain, the physical pain didn't bother me that much and I was able to separate my mind from my body. It was as if my car just needed a new alternator or something. You don't feel psychological or emotional pain about your car. My body was just like my car - it got my mind around in the world, but It wasn't my mind. My mind was in tip top shape. I think I could have very serious physical problems and still be happy, because I'm free from emotional pain.
So how do you get free from emotional pain? First, I think I had to forgive my parents. So many of us blame our parents for our current lives. My parents did the best they could. Yes, they could've been better, they could've paid more attention to me, could've not spanked me, could've helped guide me into adulthood. But they did not have the tools, probably because they didn't have examples in their own parents. I take responsibility now for who I am, instead of blaming them. I have the power to be whomever I want and to act in ways that I think are best. I have taken what my parents gave me and molded it into a shape that I like. I have total power over my life and my parents have no sway anymore. I love them for the good things they taught me, and don't blame them for the things they missed.
Second, You have to stop identifying with what Eckhardt Tolle calls "the pain body." We have all suffered emotional pain in our lives. We tend to carry that pain with us and let it inform every activity. When we have a new situation that may cause pain, we lump it together with our previous pain and it becomes a super-pain. We let our pain accumulate into a giant snowball of pain, keeping pain from the past as part of our present. This amplifies what might be trivial pain into something which makes us say, "Woe is me! I have soooo much pain!" Our pain bodies are of tremendous size and weight.
If we can live in the present, then we can leave all of our past pain behind and meet every new pain as just a tiny thing that we can brush aside and go on with our lives. Of course, we still will face monumental pains - breakups, deaths, injuries. But these pains will be tolerable and only last for the time that they need to for you to learn their lesson if you don't add them to the previous pain body. Every pain has a lesson to teach. If you can see the pain for what it is, and not add it to your emotional pain, you can learn the lesson and become stronger for it. In the present, everything is perfect, even if you're in pain. If you can accept your pain as a passing thing, then it is just like being on white water rapids - they're challenging and you have to be 100% present to keep the river from taking you, but you know that there is smoother water ahead and soon you'll have to paddle to keep going.
Some people say pain is an illusion. When something is emotionally painful, our psyches feel threatened, just as when something is physically painful, our bodies feel threatened. Physical pain tells us that something in our body needs attention. Emotional pain tells us that something in our psyche needs attention. When we were babies, we were born without personalities - we had genetic predispositions for certain reactions, but those weren't expressed right away. As we grew, we experienced outer stimulus, mostly warm, soft, nurturing stimulus. But then we began doing things innocently that brought negative reactions from our parents or caregivers. They responded with raised voices or physical violence. Some were also exposed to sexual abuse. We also did not get 100% attention every moment, so we felt neglected. This was our only experience of life, so we didn't think anything was out of the ordinary.
Our emotional pain has deep roots. We feel so much of it because we don't always see its cause. It started to grow before we could identify it as wrong. Then later, as adults, when we would feel emotional pain, we didn't see the connections with our early childhood experiences, and so were mystified why it hurt so much. If you can see that fear of pain is at the root of pain itself, you can get over it. We are afraid that we will feel abandoned, or physically or sexually threatened, or neglected. These are the things we felt as babies and they established a base-line for our pain. Every pain we feel as adults is compared to those pains, even though we may not see the connection.
We are much stronger people as adults. But if we are still attached to our infantile pain, we remain weak. We can now choose how to respond to pain. We can separate physical pain from emotional pain. We can feel pain and then learn its lesson and move past it. We can live without fear of pain. Fear is worse than actual pain. Fear keeps us from experiencing a thing fully. Fear keeps us from learning the lessons of life. It keeps us from growing. When we fear pain, we don't take risks, and it is when we take risks that we grow.
So, third, you have to let fear fall away. Easier said than done? Not really. The way to conquer fear is to face it. Dive off of that 40 foot cliff into cold, clear water. Consider the consequences, but then do what you think is best. Live in the present. In the present, everything is just how it ought to be. Learn to accept the way the world is, the way your life is. Don't bring fear everywhere you go. Live bravely. Recognize that your fears are ancient - they are fears of a child inside of you. Instead of reaching that inner child, say goodbye to him. Thank him for teaching you valuable lessons, but then part company saying, "I am a new person, and I have no emotional fears." Start you life right now. You are equipped to handle any situation. Identify your childhood fears and see how they have presented themselves in your adult life. The same fears have probably surfaced time and time again. You fear abandonment. You fear physical or sexual pain. These are the fears that keep occurring over and over in your life. There are not a countless number of fears or pains. There are just a few.
About ten years ago now, with the help of meds and some great therapists, I became free of emotional pain and have remained so. When fear comes up, I recognize it, learn its lesson and then let it float down the river. I recognize where the pain or fear comes from and that helps me put it in a little compartment that is separate from me. It's as if you can put the fear or pain in a little boat and let it float away. You don't have to keep it all with you. Your pain body may be huge. But if you can separate yourself from it, you can face any challenge. You are a strong, intelligent, fully capable adult. Start your life now. Free from pain. Your old pain is past. Go forward without fear.
