How to be Happy

You didn't think I was going to be able to tell you in a few words, did you? I wish I could. The thing is, I'm happy. I mean really happy. Part of it is being rooted in the present. All worry and anxiety has to do with the passage of time. Sometimes I worry, but then I realize it is illusion.

If you knew your life was going to end in 15 minutes you would not be concerned with your student loans, or your evil boss, or that odd-colored mole, or war in Iraq, or what you were going to do this weekend, or your impending divorce, or anything. You would be present for perhaps the first time in your life. At first you may think of all the things that you've left undone, the people you neglected to say, "I love you" to, the places you wanted to see, the opportunities you passed up. But then that would all go away, and you would be present. Just you. Just the collection of experiences that is your mind. Time would stop. And in that moment, you would realize that things are perfect. We are a complex organism, here to pass on DNA, like every other organism. But because our brains have evolved to include a prefrontal cortex (which is present in no other animal), we can look at our own minds, at what makes us happy, and at time.

Happiness is about overcoming the illusion of time. We don't think about time when having an orgasm. We don't think about it when we are euphoric with drugs or alcohol. If you can overcome the illusion of time, it's like being on Ecstasy and having an orgasm. It's a pretty incredible feeling. Meditation can get you there. But how can we go through our lives, which seem to occur in a framework of time, and not be subject to time? We tend to think of all the things that make us unhappy, afraid, anxious, ashamed. Our brains have developed responses to these feelings which make our bodies feel bad. But right now, as you read these words, there is only one moment - the Now. You exist in it eternally. And you might say, "That's all well and good as I read these words, but how am I to be happy while being eaten by a tiger? Or while someone is abusing me? Or while the Republicans are in office? Or when I'm overdrawn at the bank and late with rent? Or all the other negative situations we can come up with or have experienced. While you are experiencing pain, no one says you have to enjoy it. But if you can be fully aware of the moment you are in, then even the ability to experience pain is miraculous. And if your mind doesn't spin off into the fear that is associated with pain, then the pain is of little consequence. I experienced severe back pain from a bulged disc before my bipolar disorder was dealt with and it made me severely depressed. Then, years later, I experienced even worse back pain which debilitated me to the point of not even being able to hold myself upright. But at no time was my happiness compromised. The pain happened to my body and not my mind.

Right now, as I type, I'm experiencing pain in my left wrist. It has been there for about a week. But at no time has it affected my happiness, because there is no fear of future pain or complications. It is just a feeling that tells me something is physically wrong with my body. It has nothing to do with my emotional self. It exists in the physical world, but not in my mind. It does not exist in the Now.

If you know me, you know that I was not always happy. I grew up confused and feeling emotionally neglected. I developed bipolar disorder, which was not overcome until I was about 40. Then I got on meds which allowed my brain to think clearly for the first time. All that I'd read about the mind, about life, about my disease all of a sudden made sense. I feel like I was born at 40. It's not like my medicine made me happy. It's not like my life circumstances changed. It's that my brain was suddenly able to do what brains are supposed to do - make sense of reality. And fully experience the present.

Try right now to experience the present. Let go of everything you know. Let go of everything you plan. You have no personality, no traits, characteristics, or habits. You have no job, no skills or talents, no family or friends. Accept whatever you feel right now physically - the weight of your own body, the millions of things that are stimulating your eyes (or close them), the sounds around you, the smell of the air. This is what you are. Allow your mind to go blank. If a thought occurs, let it pass. People have been meditating on their own breath for thousands of years. Let you breath be all that exists. Just be. Once you learn to do this, you can do it anywhere. Life can be one great meditation.

I want you to be happy. I don't know why. It feels like a sacred duty to share happiness. Sharing happiness feels like love. Sharing love is part of our evolutionary strategy to continue as a species.

You may have only fifteen minutes to live. Why not be happy now?

I Was Here

The above portrait is of a lovely young woman named Gavia. She tells me her name is Latin for “loon.” Her father is an artist who specializes in birds. I love the way artists think. She would have been just as lovely being named Jessica or Cindy, but she would not have been the same person. Growing up with a name like Gavia must be interesting. No one would take your name for granted, and you would probably be asked about it constantly. Being able to connect to your father in this way probably makes you think differently about your own identity. You are certain to be one of a kind wherever you go. You are connected to art in a way that a Tom or a Robert never will be. A father who would name his daughter so would be sure to be a loving father. The connection probably started before she was even born. Lucky Gavia.

But, without a name, what does the portrait say about who she is? To be honest, I don’t know who she is, so all I had to go by was her physiognomy and her energy and the brief bit of conversation that we shared. Portraits of old used to include clues as to the wealth, status and temperament of the person portrayed. Portraits were meant to flatter the subject. This portrait lends very little in that regard. But the color I chose for the background reflects the emotion I felt in looking at Gavia, and that makes this portrait feel successful. She was posed against a white wall, and initially the background was a neutral grayish tone. But it did not reflect her energy. As I thought about the incomplete portrait for several weeks without working on it, I thought about the color that would portray her energy against the muted alizarin of the futon on which she sat and which would tie in the blue of her shirt and the ochre pillow.

Colors are like musical chords. A major chord is generally perceived as being of a positive emotion, happiness, joy. A minor chord can denote sadness, anger, frustration, fear or even shame. But then there are so many permutations of chords which subtly change the emotion and make it more complex. A minor seventh chord may imply a more pensive sadness, maybe guilt. A minor ninth could increase the tension of the negativity. A minor seventh with a flat five could imply decreased stability in dealing with the negative emotion. A major seventh lends an ease and comfort, even dreamy elation to a major chord.

A spectrum color can be like a major chord. As we make the color more complex, by adding other pigments, increasing or decreasing its intensity, we alter the emotion that goes with it. I thought about the color of this background for a long time before executing it. I knew that it was a major chord, but I had to think about the complexities. The major chord was yellow, but not a pure, happy yellow. It had to be more thoughtful. So yellow ochre became the base – an earthy yellow that has had some experience in the world and has tired a little from the bright yellow it started out as. And then the yellow was tinged with viridian. This deep green with blue overtones was about the heavy thoughts that come with being a creative person. But those thoughts do not always bubble to the surface – they are an undercurrent, so they don’t have a lot of sway in Gavia’s overall energy. The final mix was titanium white, which lightened the whole thing to happy, intelligent and contented place. This is the energy that Gavia gave off. Some people read auras. I guess painting portraits is similar.

So, in painting the energy of this young woman, I was saying two things. First, at some point in the infinite space and time of the universe, this person existed. That’s what every portrait says. But second, it says that I existed, and that I felt emotions that I could translate into color. If someone were to see this portrait in a thousand years, they may not know who painted it, but they’ll know that at one time, a painter felt as they do, saw as they do, lived as they do. All the painters of the past have left evidence of their inner selves in the complex chords and subtle notes of painting. The nuances of emotion. When I look at a Holbein, I know Henry VIII. When I see a Rembrandt self-portrait, I see inside the man. Picasso is still alive in his paintings. The painters of the caves at Lascaux or Alta Mira have lived on through the ages. In our way, we are all trying to say the same thing – I was here.

On the Impermanence of Life

Some people wonder why the world needs mosquitoes. Or houseflies. They seem to be nothing but pests. A housefly does not have the cleanest dining habits, so it's little wonder that we don't like them to land on our bodies, or our food, or even our countertops. Who knows where that sucker has been? And mosquitoes just cause annoying welts that itch like crazy. If evolution could only produce a mosquito that could feed off of us without irritating our skin, they would have a better chance of survival. We might even see it as a charity to share a little of ourselves with a harmless fellow creature. But they are obviously not harmless. In addition to the awful itch, there is malaria as well as other diseases. Yet the mosquito has a niche in our food chain. Lizards, frogs, snakes, birds and even fish eat mosquitoes and their larvae. We can't very well wipe mosquitoes off the map without consequences. Same goes for flies. Every living thing is a part of the biosphere. If it turned out not to have a place, or if it couldn't compete with other species, it would go extinct. Flies and mosquitoes and other pests have been around a long time, so I think they have found a secure place in the food chain. But what good do they do us?

A mosquito lives anywhere from a week to a month, houseflies not much longer. Then they die. Not much of a life, really. Some insects live only days in their adult form. Then they're gone forever. What can you possibly accomplish in a few days? You can produce offspring, and that's about it. Humans live about 80 to 85 years these days, with notable exceptions. What can we possibly accomplish in 80 years?

A month equals 2,592,000 seconds. I don't think mosquitoes or flies are terribly smart in human terms. So no one is expecting them to accomplish anything in that time. But if each second is counted, that leaves an awful lot of possibilities. As soon as they are able to, they feed. Only the female mosquitoes need blood in order to lay fertile eggs. Male mosquitoes feed on plant juices. As soon as they are mature, they mate. The female lays her eggs and then there are a few million seconds to spend flying around exploring and feeding some more.

I think the reason flies (the most aptly named thing since the orange) seem to waste so much time flying in little zigzags is because they have short memories. Outdoors they might actually go somewhere, maybe miles away. But they are drawn into a house, or are born there, and can't figure out how to get out. If you present a fly with an open window on a nice sunny day, it's not difficult to guide them with an open towel or similar plane-like object, to go outside. It takes a little patience, but it's actually very easy.  It's where they want to be. They are part of nature. They don't belong in houses. They just get stuck there. And once inside, they fly in one direction until they notice that there's a wall there, then they fly in another direction, similarly sensing a wall in front of them and changing course once again. If they could just remember that there are walls in every direction they might give up. I wonder if they enjoy flying? What a gift to give a simple little creature! The power to fly. I know that if I could fly, I certainly would never tire of it. Maybe flies are a lesson in elan. Maybe they fly out of sheer joy! Maybe they have fed and mated and now are spending their lives defying gravity, flying and walking upside down on walls and ceilings. What a life!

If you've ever seen a swarm of mosquitoes, or been in one, which I unfortunately was once in a Florida swamp, you'll know that they are social creatures. Mosquitoes of a feather flock together. What a party they must have! It's practically orgiastic! Eat, mate, and fly around with your friends. If they communicate, they must do it very rapidly because their encounters can be brief. They probably have a hive mind similar to bees. They might be very joyful creatures. And yet we see them as pests and as killers.

80 years equals over 42 million minutes. If it takes you a minute to make a decision, then you can make over 42 million decisions in your life. And some decisions take only seconds. It's easy to see why no two lives are alike. So many variables. It's the ultimate chess game, where every move opens up worlds of new possibilities. And yet, some lives are brief. Some people die within weeks of birth, some live only until their teens or twenties. Some babies don't live as long as flies or mosquitoes. We like to think of life as an endless continuum. We like to think that today is not our last day on Earth. Yet it might be. Just as a fly or mosquito's life may be cut short by a semi truck grill or a frog's long tongue, we can be subject to disease or accident or congenital condition that could kill us at any time. The odds are with us when we are young. Most young humans do not die young. So we like to think that we are like most people, that we will live to a ripe old age. But life is full of semis and frogs and we should not take life for granted. We spend so much of our lives not flying. Not creating, not enjoying life. Not producing anything. 42 million minutes seems like a long time until I realize I've already used over 25 million. And how many of those minutes where fully lived and how may wasted? Have I made 25 million good decisions? Not even close.

But I endeavor to make better and better ones. Sure we need time to shut down, to do nothing, to rest. Those minutes are important too. But life is so short. The bristlecone pine can live over 4000 years. That's over 50 human lifetimes. I'm not even going to calculate how many mosquitoes will come and go in it's lifetime. We think the Earth is about 4.6 billion years old. Our lives in that time frame are not even as significant as the mosquito that is born and then goes "splat!" on a car windshield an hour later.

So the brief life of a mosquito or of a fly is a lesson on the impermanence of life. They are here to teach us to live more fully, more consciously. to not waste our given number of minutes. Yes, they are still pests, but every creature is a part of our reality, a part of us, a part of our experience. I don't expect you to like them any more than you ever did before, but certainly don't hate them for their existence. Let them be your teachers. Every creature has a lesson.