A friend asked for a few words about disappointment and my first thought was - what an odd word that is. "dis" is obviously a negative, but "appointment?" So, of course, I had to look up the etymology. And oddly enough, the original meaning of the word was to remove from appointed office. One was appointed, and then, presumably from doing a poor job, one was disappointed. My friend holds no public office, so I know he has no fear of disappointment in this way.
So, obviously, we are talking about the frustration of expectation. There are three kinds of disappointment: disappointment in one's self; disappointment in others; and disappointment in the way things are. If you never expect anything, you cannot experience any of these disappointments. But our brains are conditioned to expect things. That is how we plan.
Let's look at them one at a time. If we are disappointed in the way things are, irrespective of what anyone has done, then it is likely that we are experiencing a form of depression. If the universe just doesn't seem fair, if it has rained too many days, if you are not as tall as you'd like to be and somehow you are disappointed by this, then your brain chemicals may be imbalanced. The universe is not fair - it is a very neutral place where things are not set out just for you to be happy. You can find happiness in acceptance of this. Someone told me a Buddhist saying the other day: When things are good, they are good. And when things are bad, they are also good. We cannot expect anything from the universe or from God. We make life what it is. Accept the bad. Strive for the good. Another saying: To have more, desire less.
But somehow I don't think my friend was alluding to this kind of disappointment.
So, what about disappointment in others? We like to think that we are all on an equal playing field and that others will do what is best for everyone. But we all have unique brains built by our own experiences - so every one is different. Every brain has its own best interest at heart, or the best interest of its offspring. I experience disappointment when I see selfish actions which do harm to other people, but the brain always thinks it is taking care of itself. We have all gone through emotional injury in our lives, and our brains have all built defense mechanisms to prevent the injuries from occurring again. So, sometimes our brain works without our consent and does what it thinks is best for the individual without ever consulting us. So what can we expect from other people's brains? Unless we're talking about your mom's brain, we can't expect other people to try and make you happy. If you expect someone else to make you happy, you very well may be disappointed.
But I think what really matters is that which we can do something about: disappointment in ourselves. We want to be the best we can be. We want happiness. We want to achieve this and that. We want love. We want acceptance from others. We want recognition. Some want money. Some want fame. Some just want to please their parents. Let's look at that.
When you are an infant, you are a blank slate. You have never done anything to either please or displease anyone. But as you grow, you start making choices based on whatever feedback you get from your actions. Since no one but your parents chastises you, you at first only please or disappoint your parents. They want you to be a certain way and this is based on their own childhoods and the childhoods of their parents and so on back down the line. No parents come to Earth wholly made, unaffected by their own upbringing. We are all products of a long line of human evolution and things that may have happened generations ago are still affecting your relationship with your parents. They are deep and mostly unconscious things. We transfer what our parents expect of us to what we think we expect of ourselves.
And what can we expect of ourselves? We are in competition with everyone in our society. We mostly enter the world in a weak position. Most people do not come into the world with the proverbial silver spoon in their mouths. Those people probably are raised to expect a lot - and they get it. But the rest of us have to work our way upstream in life, against a torrent of limitations. We should first expect only that we will live, that we have the drive to continue eating and taking care not to get injured. In this, we are usually not disappointed. But then, we expect ourselves to do something called succeeding.
Another interesting etymology: to come after, or take the place of another. e.g. If Queen Elizabeth II should die, Prince Charles would succeed. Gosh, you'd think he was pretty successful already. But, again, back to our parents - to succeed in our parents eyes is to do better than they did. Our parents want this for us and so we think we want it for ourselves. In olden times, where your ancestors might have been peasant farmers, you might literally just follow after them, and that would be your success. But in modern times, our paths so often diverge from our parents' and how then do we measure success? How do I relate as a writer, musician, and artist to my fireman father? If I can take care of a family like he did, does that make me a success? I have no wife and no family - does that make me a failure? Not in my eyes. I have had to redefine success in my own terms, because the things I have come to value are different than the things my parents valued.
If we can divorce our own notion of success from our parents', we will more seldom be disappointed with ourselves. Of course, we can try things and fail, but if we tried our best, there's no reason for disappointment. If we did not try our best, we must look at the reasons why we were trying in the first place. Was it to please others? And disappointment is inextricably tied to the past. We cannot be disappointed with the present moment. In the present moment, everything just is. We can only be disappointed with the past, and the past is unchangeable. When we accept that fact, we learn a lesson about the past that can be applied to the future. There is always a lesson in disappointment. Take it with you or the disappointment will be without value. Be grateful for the failures as well as the successes. Be grateful that you are having the full range of human experience. It is a miracle that we think and feel at all.
Let us take a moment to step outside of our brains and look at them as observers. Our brain is an amazing machine, but much of what it does is automatic. Right now it is sending electric impulses to you heart to constrict and relax, pumping blood throughout your body. It is doing the same to your lungs to infuse that blood with oxygen which nourishes every cell. It is turning food into energy. It is making certain muscles and tendons constrict to hold your body in the position it's in. It is also storing nearly all of your life's experience. And it is making sense of some of the stimulus it collects through our senses. But somehow we think we are in control of it. For the most part, we do not use our brains - our brains use us. We can learn to control this amazing machine better by getting to know it.
When we experience a disappointment, we have to look at how our brain is processing that information. Disappointment makes us feel bad chemically based on experiences that we have had in the past which were negative. Our brains have pleasure centers which are stimulated chemically when things happen which are life affirming. These pleasure centers, when the brain is functioning properly, are constantly fed by neurotransmitters and our normal, waking state should be one of happiness and well-being. Of course, we do not always feel this. Some things threaten our sense of well-being. Our pleasure centers shut down and toxins from our environment and adrenaline are free to flood our bodies. We sometimes get rid of toxins by tears or vomit or sweat or urination or defecation. Sometimes we feel so threatened that our body goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. Our automatic brain does the driving and we react "without thinking."
Awareness of the present moment and the miracle of consciousness can put all things in perspective. Before an event occurs is the time to think about disappointment. What will I feel like if I don't get that job? What will it feel like if I am rejected? What will it feel like to be laughed at? And why will I feel this way? How is this coming experience like that of my childhood? What do I expect of myself? If you act consciously instead of reacting unconsciously, you will seldom feel disappointment in yourself. That is the only disappointment that you have any control of. If you're disappointed with others or with the universe - get medicated and seek therapy. Focus on your expectations. Remember, to have more, desire less. Accept what is. Not just take, but embrace the bad with the good. You are insignificant to the universe, yet the whole universe dwells inside of you. Is the raindrop disappointed that it has to fall? That is its nature.
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